


Everything Is Awesome!

by Nanners (nanjcsy)



Category: Game of Thrones (TV), Highlander (Movies)
Genre: Forgive Me, Unreliable Narrator, Way Out Of Cannon, Whacky Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2017-05-20
Packaged: 2018-11-02 21:28:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10953072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nanjcsy/pseuds/Nanners
Summary: This is partially a request story and mostly me trying to make Shitmouth laugh because he is having a bit of a rough time.So this is a crossover from hell. It was to include Highlander and Game of Thrones AND Will Ferrell.Do not read this if you hope to see some accurate Highlander action or any real Game of Thrones adventures...this is a spoof on several things all at once.





	Everything Is Awesome!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ShitMouth](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShitMouth/gifts).



A cool breeze ruffled the leaves in the trees, it is the only sound heard for a few moments. Then the unsettling yowl of a beast far off within the shadows of those trees leading towards a deep wood.

 

Footsteps. At first just a light sound, then as it draws closer it sounds deliberate and somehow ominous.

 

A large fur covered man crossed the cobblestones and stood under the glaring sun, sweat stinging his eyes. His long tangled reddish brown hair fell about his broad, brown and silver fur padded shoulders.

The leather vest upon his chest displayed a fearsome direwolf snarling and an oversized sword hung at his side. He waited.

 

From the bushes emerged another figure. A long cloak with a stag fluttered in the breeze as the fancy gold metal strained and shimmered far too brightly. The other man squinted painfully but said nothing as the kingly man came forward.

This man had an oversized war hammer over his cloth and metal padded shoulder. He came to a halt facing the other man who gave a curt nod.

 

With a solemn but firm tone, the kingly man spoke first.

"We have fought together as allies, we have drank and eaten together as friends. Now we have no choice, only four of us left and only one can survive. It is finally time that fate has decided we must shed the blood of someone we truly respect yet again. I will be sorry to kill you, Ned."

"It is indeed a sad day, Robert. I think we both know I am going to win, but I will kill you honorably and always hold our memories close." 

"What? I have crushed more skulls than you've swung that oversized metal Ginsu blade! I am a KING! We both know I am going to win but I understand you are trying to save face."

"If thinking that gets you through the bloody gruesome and probably really painful death you are about to experience, then I am the one who understands. You won that war because of ME and my SWORD, Robbie!"

"DO NOT CALL ME THAT! How many times have I told you I don't like it! We were kids, it was fine then! I am a KING, how does King Robbie sound to you? It doesn't work, does it? No. I'm going to splatter you everywhere."

 

Rolling his eyes, Ned unsheathed his sword as he taunted the man who was swinging his hammer.

"King Robbie sounds about right. Listen, you were a king ONCE. It's been awhile, you need to let it go. You don't hear me yelling about my past, do you? No. Only you do that. It's really annoying, I mean, do you hear yourself? It's really kind of pathetic and I'm done defending you to the others! It's true! When I fought and killed that Targaryen, we discussed it first. Just before he tried to set me on fire, he was talking about how you kept going on at some bar about how you should be addressed as king! And you should be grateful, if I was killed by him, he was going to make you into a fucking candle after I was ash!"

With a horrified and insulted gasp, Rob rushed forward with his hammer, ready to smash it into Ned's taunting skull. A fearsome cry and Ned ran at Ned to first block the hammer with the sword, then slay the man.

The clashing men both were knocked backwards.

 

Two more figures emerged from separate shadows to first face the fighters, then each other.

A tall blonde woman wearing a long black dress with spikes on the shoulder pads. The corset was silver metal and had a lion snarling on it. She carried a pouch upon her gilded belt and a very large glass full of wine.

The man had even more padded fur, except it was black, he had thick black gloves and a large sword. He paused and gently shook his head as the breeze caressed his impressive black wavy hair. 

 

Giving a snicker, the smirking woman sipped at her wine and arched her brow.

"What would you do without your handsome face and amazing hair, Jon? Its really all you have left and I find that very pitiful. I'll tell you what. I can kill you in a fun way. We can go to this little place I know. Have some poisoned wine and we can play a little, you know. What a better way to go than having sex with me?"

Jon wrinkled his nose.

"Um, jumping off of a footstool headfirst onto a tack? Being catapulted into a brick wall? Having my balls covered in leaves and letting a giraffe that hasn't eaten in four days gently nibble my testicles off? I am not into older women, blondes or sociopaths."

 

Taking a much larger gulp of the wine, Cersei recovered nicely and resumed her smirk.

"You have no idea what you are missing, dear. That little wild redhead you ran with years back, how much could she really have known? She was like what, fourteen? Having sex with men that pissed and shit in the woods, wiping their asses on leaves. Some of them ATE people, Jon. We heard everything, Varys had those little brats everywhere! That girl's last boyfriend before you was a cannibal. Ygritte was just lucky that when he _ate_ her, he didn't _eat_ her."

Jon sneered and then resumed his usual pout, secretively touching his silky hair for support.

"I won't listen to your poisonous words, woman! We can fight now or together we can face the winner, then kill each other. I must admit, I am reluctant to murder a woman but if the winner doesn't, I will if I must. But I promise you a quick and honorable death."

 

Snorting, Cersei thrust her wine at Jon and swaggered away, muttering and waving a single finger in the air.

"Hold my wine. I'll show you how it's done, sonny."

Jon clutched the cup and watched as Cersei went towards the two crashing, fighting men.

 

Ned howled and threw his head back, tendons in his neck standing out when the hammer had whacked into his left arm. Recovering quickly, he delivered three one armed punishing blows to Robert's left leg.

With a roar of anguish, Robert slowly crumpled down before pulling himself up, dragging his injured leg. The determined but pained king limped forward swinging his hammer. It smashed against Ned's sword but they were locked now.

Eye to eye, sweaty red nose, to sweaty red nose, each sneering at the other as they strained against each other.

 

Out of the corner of his eye, Ned saw the deceit, he saw the deadly female sneak up behind Robert. 

"Robert! You're about to die!"

Robert scoffed.

"We are nowhere close to us dying yet, not until I break you down some more, Ned!"

"That's not what I meant!"

 

Cersei tiptoed up behind Robert and reached into her pouch. She plunged the syringe into Robert's neck then walked away. Over to Jon. She took back her wine and toasted the dying man as she drank deeply.

Jon watched as his father held the body of his poisoned friend and wailed on his knees, rocking him.

"That was cheating. That wasn't fair at all."

"I don't play fair? I don't have a sword or a hammer so therefore it isn't fair? Why? Because I don't have your guy strength and bang a guy weapon while SCREAMING my intent to kill you?" 

"That wasn't what I meant at all. I wasn't trying to insult you about being a female, I mean I was just trying to say that the way you did it was unfair."

"You really should get your mouth fixed, Jon. Your hair has no power once your mouth opens. Look kiddo, I don't have time for you right now. You had your chance. Have to kill Ned or do you want to do it? I mean, I did just kill my husband, I would like to think you'd be kind enough to give me a moment. You could take out your dad and save me the trouble. We can play after I have had a little hydration."

 

Jon sighed and decided to deal with the troublesome woman later and do as she bid. He stepped forward and calmly lay his hand upon the huge furry shoulder of the grieving man.

"Father. I am so sorry for your loss. He was your friend and should have been your rightful and honorable kill. I promise that I will kill Cersei without mercy after I have decapitated you with honor and great respect."

"I appreciate that, Jon. But I am sad to say, I am going to take your head, so therefore you cannot have mine. But I promise that I will kill you with honor and great respect. It would grieve me worse to kill a son than a friend."

Starting to nod, Jon paused and tilted his head.

 

"Father, why are you smiling and looking more relaxed?"

Ned had stood up and fixed his wounded arm the best he could while merrily whistling.

"Huh? Oh. Well, like I said to you, it would grieve me worse to kill a son than a friend. Luckily, I don't have to worry about that. Just give me one more second to secure this bandage."

Jon took a step forward staring intently at Ned then spoke slowly.

"That doesn't make sense, father. I am your son, the only one you have left and so you would grieve killing me more than your friend! Did Robert's hammer hit your head?"

 

"No. What are you so confused about? Oh. OH! Oh no...Jon, I am sorry. I meant to tell you when you first went to the Wall and I stone cold forgot! Guess before you die, you should know the truth. Uh, see it's a bit awkward, after all this time too...wow. Well, Jon, I am NOT your father. I'm your uncle. My sister could be a bit wild and well, she took up with this Targaryen, the married one, yeah, him. And Robert really wouldn't have taken it well to see you after your parents were both dead. So to save your life, I took you in, called you my son. Got it? Good. Moving on..let's get this over with."

Jon stood still with his mouth open for a few seconds then out of instinct, blocked his father's rushing sword.

 

"What? You just lay that shit on me and kill me? YOU FORGOT?"

"Oh, come on with the drama! All your life this gloomy, poor me, dancing with a rose between your teeth in the moonlight, reciting poetry of your dead, long dead girlfriend. Who might I add looked very close to your sister, or cousin, I guess. Either way, it was creepy, very creepy, you would have thought you were raised Lannister! And there wasn't exactly ever a good time to tell you who your parents were!"

"Never a good time? How about you could have told YOUR WIFE? You let her act like that to me when all you had to do was pull her aside and tell her the truth!"

Ned shrugged, his padded furry shoulders briefly blocking out the sun.

"She was a stickler for honesty, Jon. I couldn't trust her with the truth!"

"That makes no sense. Forget it, now I don't feel so bad about killing you. But I promise to do it with honor!"

 

"Ahem. Excuse me, gentlemen. I just wanted to say I am so glad to hear you both get all that old family bad blood stuff out of the way. It makes it more honorable that I waited until you had that moment."

Ned and Jon stopped straining their weapons against each other to look over at Cersei.

The woman was in front of them and holding a blowtorch.

 

**"STOP! STOP IT! STOP! I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE OF THIS! I'M GOING TO WILL MYSELF TO DIE RATHER THAN WITNESS ANYMORE OF WHATEVER THIS TRAVESTY IS!"**

 

The four actors turned to Peter Dinklage who was tied with jump ropes to a lawn chair.

"Was it when my wig started to go sideways?"

Peter stared up with disgust at Will Ferrell.

"That wig doesn't even look anything like Jon Snow's hair and you were nothing like him. It was like watching someone take a shit on a masterpiece of art!"

 

Peter then turned to glare at Zach Galifianakis.

"Robert Baratheon? Really? Why, just because you are fat and hairy?"

Shuffling his feet, Zach looked at the sky and blinked away sudden tears.

"Well, that was hurtful and not at all constructive criticism."

 

Patting Zach's shoulder, Kirsten Wigg stuck her chin up.

"If you don't want us to pitch you this particular idea, you could ask politely. There is no need to be mean."

"I hate your ideas and will never want you to bother me with them again. Please. And please untie me now. Also, stick with comedy, Kristen, other genres aren't for you."

 

A fur bulk loomed over Peter who looked utterly unimpressed. They stared at each other in silence until Peter finally broke it speaking very quietly.

"How much padding did it take for you to look like that? Do you know how ridiculous you look? It looks like Ned Stark's headless body swallowed you and is borrowing your head. Is that the image you want for yourself?"

Paul Rudd broke his stare and turned bright red.

"They said it looked right. Kristen said it was proportional and this was all Will's idea, not mine."

 

While Paul, Kristen and Zach began to turn on each other, Will stepped forward and leaned down into Peter's face.

"If you really want this to end, if you truly hated our ideas then you would have bought your freedom by now! You know what to do for us to let you go!"

"FOR THE HUNDREDTH FUCKING TIME, I DON'T KNOW WHO WINS THE THRONE!  I HAVE NO IDEA IF THE WHITE WALKERS WIN OR LOSE! IF I KNEW, I WOULD TELL YOU, LET HBO SUE ME OUT OF EXISTENCE IF THAT IS WHAT IT TOOK TO END THIS TORMENT! I HAVE NO ANSWER FOR YOU!"

Will smiled and nodded.

"Uh huh. Well then, the next idea we have you will really love! It's a Game of Thrones and Batman Lego world battle!"

The actors hurried to climb into their cardboard costumes to represent Lego characters as Peter Dinklage tried to scream for help.


End file.
